Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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