it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
