Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
