You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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