i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
