Buhtt sex?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
