I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
