I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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