a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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