I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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