Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
