I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
