I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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