i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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