You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
