I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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