new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
