Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
