he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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