The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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