hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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