I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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