Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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