cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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