This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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