You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
