I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
