I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
