He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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