Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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