i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
