Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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