I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This is my gift to your gina
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
