Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
