found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
