god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's never too late to be topless.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
