My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize