Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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