my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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