he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
