I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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