drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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