So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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