im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
