Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
