I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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