one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
