I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
