I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can I color on your dick again?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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