Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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