Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All I want is dick and wine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
