Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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