woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
