Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
