Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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