Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
