my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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