hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
