Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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