My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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