She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
